buffyfan_5

I feel like I don’t know who I am.

Is it really possible to like everything? How do you know what you like and what the media is just telling you to like? What if you like something but it’s not who you want to be? What if you want to be something but you don’t really like it? How do you know if you’re settling? How do I know what I’m just trying to collect?

"Why can’t I try on different lives, like dresses, to see which fits best and is most becoming?" - Sylvia Plath
Well, because that takes lots of money and time and resources and weirdness that most people will never ever be able to have.

Clothes, house decorating, activities, lifestyle.
I feel like I could do the whole Eat Pray Love deal and still not figure it out.
I feel like maybe, just maybe, if I was out of school and moved where no one knew me, probably another country, and just cut ties, existed solely by myself working just enough to be comfortable, then maybe in a few years, in a few years of making myself my biggest project, maybe I could figure it out. Maybe. If I ever shut off the tv and the internet and really spent time with myself.

I’m getting closer here, just a little bit. There’s no one here, there’s no one watching, I can be as weird or as normal as I like, at least in my apartment. At least when I’m not doing homework. (Which let’s be real is gonna be never since I accidentally got behind last week and can’t seem to catch up.)
Going out alone on my birthday was good, I was comfortable by myself and there was mostly no one to judge me or have any opinions about anything.

Maybe if I can get comfortable being myself, I can figure out who myself is.

Maybe one day.

laurbear1990:

Taken from woozapooza because I am bored and sick. 

Tag game: characters who share the same personality type as you

Rules: Find out what characters share the same personality type (test here) as you here and copy out the characters that you find relevant below. Then tag five friends and let them know you tagged them

ISTJ

Basically I can be a bad-ass who gets shit done, or I can be one of your worst nightmares; I will follow all the rules or I will make you follow all of mine.
I’m not tagging anyone, but do this if you want.

inkskinned:

"My family is suffocating me with pressure to be a perfect student and daughter." (r.i.d)

people always ask me why i’m going into teaching instead of being a writer.

the number of notes on this in less than 24 hours and the number of people who said “same” or “exactly” or “about me” - that’s why. there is so much fundamentally wrong with our system. The only way to change it is from within.

Oh my god. Except I put more pressure on myself than my parents did, at least from what I remember. I’m not sure I have any concept of self-worth that isn’t tied to grades. I’ve been more of a danger to myself trying to write papers than any other time.

Some things never change…..

Like my utter inability to get shit done or keep track of time. *sigh* Always doing things at the last minute.  2 years, 2 years.

Standing in the bathroom about to brush my teeth, and I swear to god it was a noise and not movement that made me turn around, there’s another fucking huge spider, chillin’ on the doorframe. Same as the one I washed down the kitchen sink last week (maybe that one never died?).

I haven’t put up all of my decorations, but I’ve done so much to try to make this place nice. And shit just keeps happening. And every time I think, “Okay, that has to be it now” something else fucking happens. I don’t understand any of this situation at all.

I put in the online maintenance form last night and mom sent an e-mail to the housing manager who handled all that shit from when we first came up here, and the guys came to spray and fix the hole in the corner of the front door today. They put a credit on my account.

But at a certain point, fixing mistakes cannot make up for them continuing to happen.

I live in the middle of the woods at home and don’t deal with as much shit crawling through in a year as I’ve had in this university apartment in less than a month. I get that bugs exist and they like to come inside, but damn.

I really don’t want to have to move all this stuff (I mean it took me and my parents like 3 days the first time), and I don’t want us to have to pay more for rent (my job will basically cover my food and a bit more), but I just don’t know if I can handle this.

And once again, you know it happened with finding the two beetles in the bathroom last night and the spider tonight and other beetles before this, it’s always at like midnight and then I have to chase shit and get rid of it when I’m about to go to bed and then I get worried about going to sleep and not knowing if/where shit’s inside and I haven’t seen anything in my bedroom yet but I’m not in there much during the day but it’s getting to the point where I’m afraid I’ll wake up with something crawling at/on me and I’ve been squinting at the brown-black carpet and brown-streaked tile since I moved in trying to make sure I don’t fucking step on anything especially while I’m barefoot.

I honestly like having my own place, I do not want to move back in at home, but I’m wondering if I should just go back, maybe find an apartment in a neighboring town or something. Because trying to find another place here this time of year is going to be really hard, and I finally figured out the bus system and there’s a perfect route that goes from my apartment complex to a spot on campus a 10-minute walk to the library. If I move somewhere else there might not be a good bus route and there’s not gonna be any parking for my permit near the library because they’ve got one of the lots closed for construction, so all the other ones were totally full even when I went for my interview before classes started. And I can’t walk all the time (weather) even if I find a place kind of close.

I just…. I don’t know.

And I’m about to be dangerously behind on my work because I have no fucking energy/motivation, and having bug problems at midnight and not being able to get rid of the heebie-jeebies and go to sleep is not helping.

I can’t think of a single thing I want to eat….

Weirdly I’m not even that hungry yet though. But it was 7 before I even realized it because it’s still not fucking dark outside. Convinced the damn daylight savings shit is why I usually do worse in the fall. Because the day’s over and I haven’t done a fucking thing and it still looks like 5:30 outside.

Anyway. Yeah I’m getting behind on my shit again/already and I have soooo much stuff to read before I can do my discussion posts and I hardly even have the energy to sit up right now.

It’s weird too, this is the second Wednesday in a row I’ve felt like total shit. Last week was a lot worse though.

This morning I got up for my first real day of work. I had put fruit in the freezer last night, so I made my own smoothie with milk and a banana and ~10 raspberries and some sweetener and vanilla. It was pretty good.

I made it to work fine and the bus stop I picked worked well.  I swear though every time I go to campus I end up walking through a different part… Saw new places on the way in and on the way out today. Maybe by the end of the semester/year/program I will actually know my way around. (It’s extra weird because RoCo was tiny, and I had unintentionally memorized the whole campus on my first visit.)

I went to work and did the mail again, and then I started verifying microfiche of government documents (UK is a federal deposit library). That was my whole shift. My boss and the other lady who’s been around didn’t remember my birthday (yesterday they happened to be discussing that the department has a birthday dinner every month and asked when mine was, and I said “it’s tomorrow”) but I didn’t really expect them to. I met the other serials student assistant (Ashlea, also a redhead), and the girl I met at the SLIS orientation who works with collections (Anna) came by and said hi again today. Tomorrow I’m going to some big department meeting, but I get paid for it so whatevs.

Then I came back to my apartment and ate lunch and tackled facebook and did some homework.

Then I took myself to the mall! They’re doing construction so there’s one of those construction hallways in the middle, but I think all in all I ended up walking through everything that was open. They have two Bath & Bodyworks which was kind of weird, and there are three different stores that sell UK stuff. I went in all 3 of them and got shirts from two. The other one had some UK Hello Kitty stuff and the Wildcat Pillow Pet, but I didn’t want to spend toooo much money, so I didn’t get any of that.

I went in the Disney store but it was the smallest one I’ve been in and kind of disappointing. They didn’t have any trinket type things which is what I was planning to look at to buy. I did get to see the line of like activity dolls that sing/talk and have hobby stuff (cooking for Tiana, painting for Rapunzel, archery for Merida, etc) and they had a preview of a new line coming out this month with 6 couples done really nice/fancy and each couple comes together in one box. They had journals and mugs to go with them. It looks really nice. And they’re doing some of the under-appreciated princesses like Mulan and Pocahontas. I wish they were doing all the princesses, though! That was another thing I was sad about, there was NOTHING in the store with all the princesses on it.

I also looked in Hot Topic (they have mostly fandom stuff now, it was fun. I was too cheap to get anything, but I looked at Doctor Who, HP, Disney, Hello Kitty, and Supernatural) and Claire’s and a couple other places.

Then it was down to Olive Garden or TGI Friday’s if I wanted a nice place to eat close by. TGIF was on the other side somewhere and I couldn’t tell if I could get past the construction area without going back on the main road, so I went to Olive Garden which was right across from where I parked. It was fine, just a little awkward because they sat me in the “cafe” section and I think the waitress was pitying me for being alone. I got chicken alfredo, and boxed up like 1/3 of it and a breadstick and a half to bring back). When I asked about birthday desserts she said they don’t do that (since when does a restaurant not do birthday desserts???) but she could ask the manager. They offered me a little dessert in a jar/shooter type thing but that wasn’t what I wanted, so I declined and went to creep around Kroger. They had slim pickings as far as individual cupcakes (what I’d planned on getting) so I walked around the whole bakery section twice and the frozen dessert section. I ended up getting a package with two slices of yellow cake with caramel icing. I haven’t eaten any yet though because I’m too full. I feel like I can’t not eat dessert on my birthday though, even though I need to go to bed soon.

And then when I got back (someone took my parking space for the first time, so I had to drive all the way around the building and come back to the front lot instead of the space that’s right outside my back door) I skyped with mom and she called dad (she’s on a business trip) and opened my cards and the package from home and from Granny. Oh and this morning daddy sent me a picture of my kitty with a sign that said “happy birthday mommy” </3 Best present I got. But I got a few Buffy comics and a Hello Kitty coloring book and a cat post-it note dispenser and a nice jewelry set and stuff like that.

Aaaaaand somehow the day is pretty much over, so I gotta figure out if I’m gonna eat cake and get ready for bed so I can get up for work (still getting used to the waking up thing again).

Oh, and get rid of the bug I found in my kitchen drawer tonight.  (Not to mention the other 4 and the random cicada wing—hoping it just blew in unattached—from earlier today.) Luckily it’s just the drawer with aluminum foil and ziplocs and stuff, but still super gross. I almost cried.  How the hell do you have 40-year-old apartments and a major bug problem??? Is this not some kind of violation? You can’t have everything suck, it just shouldn’t be legal. Like, I already want to start looking at different apartments for next year and I haven’t even put up all my decorations here yet. I should start getting groceries at the dollar store so I can save up for higher rent…. The day I step on one I’m just gonna call in sick and bathe in hand sanitizer and drive home.

Update: just saw another live beetle and it went under a shelf before I could get it, so I went to use the bathroom and then in it waltzes, so I move the trashcan to keep it away from me and turns out there was a dead one behind the trash can.  So. fucking. done.

But anyway. Aside from the bugs and the no-dessert, twas a good birthday.

I am so fucking done with this day.

I slept too late again and then when I was about to get up I had a leg cramp (I think my third since I moved I dunno wtf that’s about) so I stayed in bed longer.

10 a.m. and I check my e-mail, the background check finally went through so now I need to go fill out paperwork for my job. She had wanted me to start yesterday but the background people were slow. So I’m like great, I have to do this today and I haven’t showered and I have to figure out if I can park somewhere or if I need to try the bus again, so I hop in the shower while mom looks at parking for me and I tell the lady I can do the forms this afternoon.

Well even though she sent me the other forms I would have to fill out with her when I accepted the job offer, she just this morning sent info about the one I would have to do at some office and it turns out I don’t have the necessary stuff because you basically have to have a passport or an ID and social security card or birth certificate. Well excuse me for not carrying around my passport or SSN card. Mom found the phone number before I did so she called and they can’t take copies. So mom had to find stuff to put in the mail, and I had to e-mail the lady back and tell her actually I couldn’t do my paperwork today.

So two fucking hours later all that fucking transportation planning and I showered and got dressed and I can’t even do it yet. And now I’m so hungry but I’m so damn frustrated I feel like I need to crawl out of my skin and I can’t figure out what to eat because do you know how much it fucking sucks to try to do meals for one single person not to mention cooking anything in this damned kitchen with like 1 foot of counterspace and I wish I could scream and I’m crying and I have no idea what to eat and I fucking hate everything.

Meanwhile I had already looked at facebook before I checked my e-mail this morning and I had tabs open for a bunch of articles I wanted to read so then I have to open more for my e-mail and parking maps and the thing about the form and working with 10 tabs open is hard. And I was so thirsty it was dry between my lips and my gums and I couldn’t get a fucking bottle open, not with my hands or my lid-twister tool made specifically for that or my silicon pot holder and why did opening a drink have to be so damn difficult on top of everything else.

I just wanted to have a nice normal day, my other textbooks finally came in the mail yesterday so I have a lot of reading to hurry up and do before it’s late and aeklfjk;dsfjkfdjkgfjkgfkj;gfkj;fdkjdfhjdfshjewwjkewkjfdsio;dhjgkjfdskj;fhjafjk;fij;aefwij;efhjdfkjdfskjadfjdsf Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh

I’m so done with all this shit. What the hell is wrong with some advance notice???? Send me the stuff about the I-9 before the day you want me to do it. Tell me that things have gone through before the day you want me to do it. Just because I don’t have a job yet doesn’t mean I’m sitting here waiting to be contacted, ready to jump up at the very second.

I don’t know what the fucking problem is but like all this shit goes down just when I’d given up expecting it, like as soon as I don’t want to go out and have things to do here suddenly I need to be in these other places doing things and the fucking transportation shit, there’s like no free parking anywhere and there’s never a bus route that goes from where I am to where I actually need to be, I’d still have to walk and/or switch routes and adfklfkjldfskjlfjkldfkjldfkjldfkjldfa

I should’ve fucking just fucking gone one county over from home or some shit and never come out here, it’s been nothing but trouble.

spoopyfemme:

stingingnetty:

animedavidbowie:

unrecognizedpotential:

forgottenawesome:

Do You Love Someone With Depression?
If you have a partner or are close to someone who struggles with depression, you may not always know how to show them you love them. One day they may seem fine, and the next they are sad, distant and may push you away. It is important that you know that as a person who is close to them and trusted by them, you can help your friend or partner have shorter, less severe bouts of depression. Mental illness is as real as physical illness (it is physical actually, read more about that here) and your partner needs you as much as they would need to be cared for if they had the flu.
Your relationship may seem one-sided during these times, but by helping your partner through a very difficult and painful affliction, you are strengthening your relationship and their mental health in the long term.
1. Help them keep clutter at bay.
When a person begins spiraling into depression, they may feel like they are slowing down while the world around them speeds up. The mail may end up in stacks, dishes can pile up in the sink, laundry may go undone as the depressed person begins to feel more and more overwhelmed by their daily routine and unable to keep up. By giving your partner some extra help sorting mail, washing dishes or using paper plates and keeping chaos in check in general, you’ll be giving them (and yourself) the gift of a calm  environment. (I’m a fan of the minimalist movement because of this, you can read more about that here.)
2. Fix them a healthy meal.
Your partner may do one of two things when they are in a depressed state. They may eat very little, or they may overeat. In either case, they may find that driving through a fast food restaurant or ordering a pizza online is just easier than fixing a meal. Eating like this, or neglecting to eat will only degrade your partner’s health, causing them to go deeper into their depression. Help your loved one keep their body healthy, and their mind will follow. This is a great article that talks about the “Brain Diet” which can help the symptoms of depression, and this article talks about how our modern diet could contribute to the recent rise in depression. Here is a recipe for a trail mix that is quick to make and has mood-boosting properties.
3.Get them outside.
 The benefits of getting outside for a depressed person are huge. And it is possibly the last thing on earth your partner will want to do. Take them to be somewhere in nature. Pack a picnic and lie in the sun, take a leisurely hike or plant a garden. Being barefoot in the dirt, or “earthing” helps ground the body and reverse the effects of living in a world of emf’s, and digging in soil can actually act as an antidepressant, as a strain of bacterium in soil, Mycobacterium vaccae, triggers the release of seratonin, which in turn elevates mood and decreases anxiety. Sunshine increases Vitamin D production which can help alleviate depression. My friend Elizabeth wrote an excellent post about Vitamin D and its link to depression here.  For more information about other sources of Vitamin D, this is a great post as well as this.
4. Ask them to help you understand what they’re feeling.
If your partner is able to articulate what they are going through, it will help them and you better understand what you are dealing with, and may give insight into a plan of action for helping your partner. Also, feeling alone is common for a depressed person and anything that combats that feeling will help alleviate the severity and length of the depression.
5. Encourage them to focus on self-care.
Depressed people often stop taking care of themselves. Showering, getting haircuts, going to the doctor or dentist, it’s all just too hard, and they don’t deserve to be well taken care of anyway in their minds. This can snowball quickly into greater feelings of worthlessness since “Now I’m such a mess, no one could ever love me”. Help your loved one by being proactive. Tell them “I’m going to do the dishes, why don’t you go enjoy a bubble bath?” can give them the permission they won’t give themselves to do something normal, healthy and self-loving.
6. Hug them.
Studies show that a sincere hug that lasts longer than 20 seconds can release feel-good chemicals in the brain and elevate the mood of the giver and receiver. Depressed people often don’t want to be touched, but a sincere hug with no expectation of anything further can give your partner a lift.
7. Laugh with them.
Telling a silly joke, watching a comedy or seeing a stand up comedian will encourage your partner to laugh in spite of themselves. Laughing releases endorphins and studies show can actually counteract symptoms of depression and anxiety.
8. Reassure them that you can handle their feelings.
Your partner may be feeling worthless, angry and even guilty while they are depressed. They may be afraid that they will end up alone because no one will put up with their episodes forever. Reassure them that you are in the relationship for the long haul and they won’t scare you away because they have an illness.
9. Challenge their destructive thoughts.
A depressed person’s mind can be a never-ending loop of painful, destructive thoughts. “I’m unlovable, I’m a failure, I’m ugly, I’m stupid”. Challenge these untruths with the truth. “You’re not unlovable, I love you. You aren’t a failure, here are all the things you’ve accomplished.”
10.Remind them why you love them.
Look at pictures of happy times you’ve had together. Tell them your favorite things about them. Reminisce about your relationship and all the positive things that have happened, and remind your partner that you love them and they will get through this.
(via The Darling Bakers)

More people need to know this.

This is so incredibly important. I’ve seen people with depression ostracized so many times, and I cannot stress how much it means to each and every person I’ve tried to reach out to after whatever “falling-outs” they’ve had due to depression. Remember to always be compassionate and kind to all friends like this, because you never know what they’re going through.

Thank you Steve. I love you. 

These are perfect and are so hard to vocalize while depressed.

spoopyfemme:

stingingnetty:

animedavidbowie:

unrecognizedpotential:

forgottenawesome:

Do You Love Someone With Depression?

If you have a partner or are close to someone who struggles with depression, you may not always know how to show them you love them. One day they may seem fine, and the next they are sad, distant and may push you away. It is important that you know that as a person who is close to them and trusted by them, you can help your friend or partner have shorter, less severe bouts of depression. Mental illness is as real as physical illness (it is physical actually, read more about that here) and your partner needs you as much as they would need to be cared for if they had the flu.

Your relationship may seem one-sided during these times, but by helping your partner through a very difficult and painful affliction, you are strengthening your relationship and their mental health in the long term.

1. Help them keep clutter at bay.

When a person begins spiraling into depression, they may feel like they are slowing down while the world around them speeds up. The mail may end up in stacks, dishes can pile up in the sink, laundry may go undone as the depressed person begins to feel more and more overwhelmed by their daily routine and unable to keep up. By giving your partner some extra help sorting mail, washing dishes or using paper plates and keeping chaos in check in general, you’ll be giving them (and yourself) the gift of a calm  environment. (I’m a fan of the minimalist movement because of this, you can read more about that here.)

2. Fix them a healthy meal.

Your partner may do one of two things when they are in a depressed state. They may eat very little, or they may overeat. In either case, they may find that driving through a fast food restaurant or ordering a pizza online is just easier than fixing a meal. Eating like this, or neglecting to eat will only degrade your partner’s health, causing them to go deeper into their depression. Help your loved one keep their body healthy, and their mind will follow. This is a great article that talks about the “Brain Diet” which can help the symptoms of depression, and this article talks about how our modern diet could contribute to the recent rise in depression. Here is a recipe for a trail mix that is quick to make and has mood-boosting properties.

3.Get them outside.

 The benefits of getting outside for a depressed person are huge. And it is possibly the last thing on earth your partner will want to do. Take them to be somewhere in nature. Pack a picnic and lie in the sun, take a leisurely hike or plant a garden. Being barefoot in the dirt, or “earthing” helps ground the body and reverse the effects of living in a world of emf’s, and digging in soil can actually act as an antidepressant, as a strain of bacterium in soil, Mycobacterium vaccae, triggers the release of seratonin, which in turn elevates mood and decreases anxiety. Sunshine increases Vitamin D production which can help alleviate depression. My friend Elizabeth wrote an excellent post about Vitamin D and its link to depression here.  For more information about other sources of Vitamin D, this is a great post as well as this.

4. Ask them to help you understand what they’re feeling.

If your partner is able to articulate what they are going through, it will help them and you better understand what you are dealing with, and may give insight into a plan of action for helping your partner. Also, feeling alone is common for a depressed person and anything that combats that feeling will help alleviate the severity and length of the depression.

5. Encourage them to focus on self-care.

Depressed people often stop taking care of themselves. Showering, getting haircuts, going to the doctor or dentist, it’s all just too hard, and they don’t deserve to be well taken care of anyway in their minds. This can snowball quickly into greater feelings of worthlessness since “Now I’m such a mess, no one could ever love me”. Help your loved one by being proactive. Tell them “I’m going to do the dishes, why don’t you go enjoy a bubble bath?” can give them the permission they won’t give themselves to do something normal, healthy and self-loving.

6. Hug them.

Studies show that a sincere hug that lasts longer than 20 seconds can release feel-good chemicals in the brain and elevate the mood of the giver and receiver. Depressed people often don’t want to be touched, but a sincere hug with no expectation of anything further can give your partner a lift.

7. Laugh with them.

Telling a silly joke, watching a comedy or seeing a stand up comedian will encourage your partner to laugh in spite of themselves. Laughing releases endorphins and studies show can actually counteract symptoms of depression and anxiety.

8. Reassure them that you can handle their feelings.

Your partner may be feeling worthless, angry and even guilty while they are depressed. They may be afraid that they will end up alone because no one will put up with their episodes forever. Reassure them that you are in the relationship for the long haul and they won’t scare you away because they have an illness.

9. Challenge their destructive thoughts.

A depressed person’s mind can be a never-ending loop of painful, destructive thoughts. “I’m unlovable, I’m a failure, I’m ugly, I’m stupid”. Challenge these untruths with the truth. “You’re not unlovable, I love you. You aren’t a failure, here are all the things you’ve accomplished.”

10.Remind them why you love them.

Look at pictures of happy times you’ve had together. Tell them your favorite things about them. Reminisce about your relationship and all the positive things that have happened, and remind your partner that you love them and they will get through this.

(via The Darling Bakers)

More people need to know this.

This is so incredibly important. I’ve seen people with depression ostracized so many times, and I cannot stress how much it means to each and every person I’ve tried to reach out to after whatever “falling-outs” they’ve had due to depression. Remember to always be compassionate and kind to all friends like this, because you never know what they’re going through.

Thank you Steve. I love you. 

These are perfect and are so hard to vocalize while depressed.

I actually did do homework today, finished all my discussion board posts and did extras. Did more dishes. Took a shower. Checked mail. Discovered there’s another volume button on the side of my laptop next to the headphone jack for whatever reason. Ate food. Looked at the forms I’ll have to do to start my job whenever the bg check goes through.

I know I did a lot of things today but I don’t feel like I did anything.

I haven’t been able to make myself do the reading yet in the one book I have (others are in the mail), not able to get through the second paragraph while still taking it in. I’m afraid my other books won’t get here in time and I’ll be behind from the start, why the hell didn’t I think to look on the bookstore website to see what they were?

I have no idea how to go about transferring files from my old laptop to my new one or figuring out which ones I want to move and how to move my Carbonite subscription without transferring all the files and finding the right way to “archive” old files from it and whatever is on my old desktop computer at home.

I’ve been here a full week. Yesterday I took out the trash and used my waffle maker for the first time (messed up the batter though but it was at least edible). I’ve used it, the microwave, toaster, toaster oven, and stove. Still have to try out the oven, can opener, mixer, and blender. And tea kettle if it ever stops being 70-90 degrees. At 1 a.m. it’s still like 75. Uggggh.

I haven’t finished putting up decorations/stuff either. I still have like 3 boxes sitting around and even though I haven’t left my apartment since my job interview, it never seems like the right time/I don’t have the energy to put stuff up. Then I have to take pictures for everyone. I know at Roanoke I never really got pictures up until after my birthday, but still. I’ve been in here the whole time, haven’t been doing anything.

I’m trying to work up to go eat or try the mall alone. I really want to be the kind of person who goes out alone and enjoys it and is fine with it. I always thought I would be.
I’m just always so afraid people are looking at me though, like it’s not even about people judging me it’s just I don’t want anyone to have thoughts about me at all why can’t I just do things with no commentary from anyone, internal or otherwise. Same reason I would never do anything at home even in my own house over the summers.
It looks like there’s some great stores at the mall though and I’ve been cutting out a lot of coupons I’ve been getting in the mail (mostly for fast food).  For some reason I’ve been rather tempted to go somewhere now, like for food or to Walmart but then I’m like, what’s the point?? And I do need a few things like tortilla chips and honey mustard and stuff but it still seems silly to go out for like 5 things. I guess I’ll wait until I run out of things like bread and eggs and all.

I’m not really excited atm about starting the job, but I keep thinking, I hope, that once I do I can set up a good schedule/routine and at least speak to real humans even if I don’t make friends with them and be more likely to explore the campus and the area since I’m already out. I have to figure out if I can park in the employee lot (I already have a residential parking pass so I dunno how that works or students probably just don’t get employee parking?) or if I have to figure out the bus system.

At least my bed is comfortable but I’ve been staying in it for an hour after my alarm clock goes off so I’ll have to remedy that. At least so far it doesn’t really matter though since I don’t have to be anywhere.

It’s super exciting not to have to climb a ladder to get into bed, but it’s the loneliest time. It was at Roanoke too but I would put the tv on a sleep timer and get into bed. But there’s no cable hook-up in the bedroom here so I can’t really do that. I’ve been reading DH at a chapter or two a night since I got here but it’s almost over. I didn’t have room to pack books and I haven’t gone to any libraries yet. Maybe I should really try to do that Tuesday (I hate that tomorrow’s a holiday because I’m at the point where I want to do stuff and half the stuff is closed). Gah, who let me move to a new city where I don’t know anyone while reading the last Harry Potter book and not having any others??? Maybe I’ll go find Barnes and Noble, I want my book, not a library book. I guess it depends on what I get in the mood to read.

I feel like I’m forgetting another point I wanted to make, but oh well.

ttfn

vvank3rshim:

holyhotpantsbatman:

My therapist asked me to create something “motivating” so I made these.

lol.

I really love these, and I reblog them every single time. Some of you don’t realize how easy it’s to forget to do some of those stuff or how hard they can be some days.

Guysssssss I did all the relevant ones today omg look at me successfully adulting (for a day at least) who’d’ve thunk it?

Dreams last night of my middle school band director teaching a math class I was in I think with both high school and college people, candy in class, a rising table full of bird decorations/figurines, discussing skeletons of cryptids, and being shown different octopi/coral hybrids including one that was like a flower purple/red with a silver piece floating in the middle which could swallow things up to 7 feet tall, it felt like I was drowning, and then the person showing me stuff pulled me out, and said if you ever let your head go under it’s impossible to get back out (unless someone’s got you like he did with me), and someone asking me if I thought they’d be able to show “your old Buffy show” and I said I hope so and there was some vague sense of us having slight magic and it being like 2023 or something.

Soooo. Weird stuff.

Dude, classes haven’t even started yet and I’m already in that stupid limbo loop of “Do I do that important stuff or do I really let myself have fun for a while or do I sit here endlessly on the internet where there is at least the possibility of doing work since I’m not actively engaged in another activity and the computer is right here”

Which is how I always end up spending 80+ percent of my time doing “nothing” online

Well, typical Tayler. 12 hours later and nothing I had planned accomplished for the day. At least for most of it I didn’t feel too bad though. Lots of tv and facebook.

I did check my mail and go through all the junk and cut out some coupons, and rather unsuccessfully looked into campus bus, local bus, parking lots, and walking to go to that orientation tomorrow.

And Timaria nominated me for the ice bucket challenge but I’m all alone so I did that semi-successfully in the shower.  Have to remember to do the donations. And then I took a real shower.

I feel like I should do some office stuff and/or unpacking but I don’t wanna.

Oh, and I ordered a textbook (the only one I’ve heard anything about so far…). And used the microwave and toaster oven for the first time. Twice, now.

So. I dunno when I’m going to bed, I guess whenever the facebook message dies down. And I guess I should set my alarm clock for like 8 or 8:30 so I have time to figure out if I’m catching a bus or walking.

Hopefully tomorrow evening I will get stuff done. Honestly what I wanna do first is finish Harry Potter, but I also never wanna finish it because it makes me less lonely reading in bed since I can’t go to sleep with the tv on. But anyway. HP and unpacking (mostly decorating, really) and office stuff.

Well, fed myself my first meal (kind of) and used the microwave (went fine) and toaster oven (had to get the instructions out) to heat up my leftovers from our Thursday dinner at Red Lobster, shrimp linguine alfredo and cheddar bay biscuits. Daddy left a bottle of SunDrop in the fridge, so that was nice but also sad and I’m drinking it but I also don’t want to finish it. I wonder if SunDrop is a thing here, I never saw any in Salem.

Criminal Minds is on still/again this morning, so that makes me feel better.

I checked my e-mail last night so I have to figure out where stuff is so I can go to the orientation tomorrow and also I got an e-mail to schedule an interview for the Serials Unit library assistant so we’ll see when that is and how it goes.

Aww, phooey, CM just went off.
Okay, here’s White Collar and Bones, that’s good.

I guess I should figure out how to program the remote, right now there’s one that does the cable box power and channels and one that does the tv power and volume. I’d rather program my remote to do the cable stuff since it also has controls for the built-in dvd player, but I dunno if that would work. We’ll see.

I guess I should do more office training today? Or first I should figure out where stuff is and how to get there, maybe look up the campus and city bus systems. Have to remember to take a shower tonight since there’s a thing tomorrow. Have to remember what day it actually is, this doesn’t feel like a Sunday.

I was super lonely when I woke up but if I just keep watching tv or typing/reading stuff it’s not as bad. Sent a message to my Noke gang and Sarah and Elizabeth were on, we had a sticker fest :)

Dude, is this like the first episode of White Collar?

So, yeah. I know there are things that I have to do and need to do but I can’t decide what I want to do when/next/right now.

So, ttfn I guess.

And I still haven’t picked a grad school tag…