buffyfan_5

MY PAPER GOT PUSHED BACK FROM 11PM TOMORROW TO 5PM FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yayyyyyyyyy. Now after I go to this group meeting at 8pm I can take a shower (really dying to shower, I feel gross for some reason) and work on my Criminology stuff for Tu/Th and take it slow on the paper.

I read the e-mail and just busted out laughing and Kaitlyn and Sarah were like ………?  and it was that kind of crazy relief. Basically, 2 weeks from tomorrow I will be done with classes/finals. Two weeks. Two weeks.

I would actually be happy right now, and I would have had a freaking fantastically awesome weekend, if not for homework.

I hope I make it through two more years of this and actually get what I want (a job with no homework, duh) on the other side.

Now I just can’t stop crying. This usually happens in the middle/end of a paper, not before I can even make myself get started.

Giving up and going to bed and fuck all. Tomorrow is going to be all kinds of hell. Everything this week is likely to be all kinds of hell.

What the actual fuck am I doing with my life how is it 12:30 this keeps getting worse and worse I am legitimately going to not finish something before this semester is over. Three weeks to go and I swear I am going to fuck something up really badly. I am so close though. Why. Why can I not get it together.

I DON’T KNOW WHY I FEEL SO TIRED AND HEAVY AND HORRIBLE THIS EVENING. I do not have the energy to hold up my head. I  have  shit  to  do.

Why the fuck did I just eat a meal at 9:30
This is why I shouldn’t ‘skip’ meals. Because then I eat snacks and also eat a meal. asdlfjsldf

Also caffeine.

In just over 3 weeks I will be in Ireland and in about 5 weeks I will finally be able to breathe and take a break and let my mind stop spinning.

Fuuuuuuuuuck everything I could not be less interested in anything going on and I will not be able to finish everything… Fuck tomorrow, fuck choir taking up half of my time, fuck drugs & behavior

Oh and I had a little bag of cool ranch doritos for dinner. Woohoo.

Literally do not have the emotional energy to work on any of this shit. Or really do anything but just lean here.

Completely out of nowhere I just started feeling like absolute shit.

Now I’m sitting in my room watching Silence of the Lambs on dvd. And to top it all off I took the case off the shelf and there’s a fucking rip in the cover. What the hell. I don’t even remember that happening.

I was supposed to go to some ‘if we throw you an event will you give us money forever’ thing with Kaitlyn & Timara at the college president’s house, and I’d been excited about it in a way because it’s the only one out of the like 10 events going on this semester that are casual dress. But I would somehow still manage to be under-dressed and I did not feel like schmoozing (which I’m not actually capable of anyway) and I did not feel like barbeque and I haven’t even fucking seen anyone since lunch 5 hours ago except Elizabeth coming and going through the common room and I don’t think Kaitlyn even remembered that I was supposed to be going to the thing because she didn’t even say anything to me when Timaria came over for them to leave (which was half an hour earlier than previously discussed so even if I still wanted to go that would have freaked me out). But I dunno if/when I’m going to eat. Dinner’s over in half an hour and I don’t feel like going out and I don’t feel like going by myself right now. Whatever.

I have so much to do and I’ve hardly gotten anything done and I’ll have no fucking time tomorrow and I am so fucking tired of this group project and I thought I didn’t care earlier but like shit no one else does either.

I dunno I just wanna curl up in a ball and have it be June.

Now I’m starting to get hungry but I am not going out right now fuck everything. I’ll just eat a bunch of snack crap.

Uggggh, I can tell this is going to be one of those days where I’m near tears all day long.

And I have 3 things to do for tomorrow including study for a test. :(

Uggggh I just need to have my shit together for like 3 more weeks, and then grades are in and fuck the rest of it.

I feel like I’m screwing everything up at the last minute for no reason. Ugh.

I literally do not understand how I fucked this paper up this badly and am literally incapable of fixing it much less fixing it by tomorrow. It’s not even long enough. What the hell. What the fucking hell.

I dunno wtf is wrong with me. I did the like 7 pages of reading and discussion questions for one class and that is all the homework I’ve done all weekend!! I mean, the concert this evening was like 2 hours of time, but I am not even enjoying myself, I’m just doing anything except homework. Mostly pinterest and games. Not to mention that I haven’t felt awake all day and almost fell asleep at my desk reading at like 3 when I didn’t get up until 10 (went to bed around 2). I dunno wtf I’m going to do tomorrow. This paper is going to be shit. I’m gonna try to make myself (for literally the fourth time today) do the like 10 pages of reading for my other class before I go to bed and then I’ll just have the big things for tomorrow. :/

So I’ve actually done zero homework today and I feel wonderful. Relaxed and content.

I’m sure I’ll regret it later, but my morning class is cancelled for tomorrow so I can study for my quiz all morning and then do Friday’s homework tomorrow night like usual. This weekend will be crazy busy doing the other half of my research paper and my section for our group presentation draft and our concert, but whateverrrrrrrr, today was a good day and I think I needed it. Now I just need to make myself go to bed before two a.m.

I feel so lazy and stupid and disgusting and on the one hand I feel like I deserve to fail this test because I just started studying today but of course I don’t fucking want to fail my test and I’m a shitty friend and I shirk responsibilities and I don’t deserve any of my friends and I can’t get my shit together to study.

ALSO FUCK AVOIDANT COPING STYLES I’M SICK OF THIS SHIT

I have a scary lack of motivation to study for this test I have in the morning, and I think the fact that I have a B in the class (as of midterms anyway, fuck if I know my actual grade because none of my professors ever actually use the online gradebook) actually makes me less motivated. I really don’t want to bomb two or three tests in one semester though (not sure if the first one in this class counts since she wrote “very good” on it even though I got an 88, and then I got an 88 on the last test in the other class I like less and less as it goes on. Fucking neuro stuff, it’s not even a neuro class)

Shit now I just remembered I haven’t even read 2 of the 3 chapters and now I’m freaking out. Goddamn it. Can it just be like June? I don’t even want to deal with group international travel for Ireland. Like even just figuring out what to pack and getting it, fuck that. And senior week is going to be the real hell week, not even finals, I’m booked for like 6+ hours straight three days in a row.

Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh I hate this class and I hate meetings and I hate school-reading and I hate studying and I hate my other class and I hate group projects and I hate like everything all the time just stop.

I just want to finish this semester without losing what I already have—4.0 in my major and an overall gpa to make magna cum laude.