buffyfan_5

It’s cold and it’s cloudy and it’s October I want to be walking through a pumpkin patch and watching scary movies and eating all things apple and caramel and pumpkin and painting a pumpkin and all those kinds of things.

But I’m writing a paper. And reading really poorly-translated articles. And coming up with discussion posts. Just like every weekend/week/day.

Less than two years, less than two years. 3.5 semesters. That’s all. Shortest segment of school ever. Then I’ll be freeeeeeeeeeee.

So for one thing I’ve hardly been able to focus at all this week, but also I keep having this thing where my eyes start to hurt and I’m not even processing facebook posts anymore, but when I start to go to bed it’s like my brain is not tired at all. My body is done, my processing is done, but my not-a-student brain is wide awake. And then I still feel guilty for going to bed even though I know I’m past the point of being able to get anything done. Ugh.

Like at this point I recognize logically that I’m probably screwed but I’m still not worried about it and I’m still about to go to bed (my eyes hurt) having done nothing today but take a quiz and read like 1 page.

Not cool, brain, not cool at all.

elation-success:

mydogsnokes:

i miss when i was like 12 and it would be the night before a big field trip or something and i couldnt go to sleep because i was so excited. i miss being so into a book that i would stay up past my bed time reading it. everything seems so bland or something idk. i’m only 19 and everything is so tiring. i miss wanting to be awake

this is the realist shit on this website

"everything is so tiring. i miss wanting to be awake

I always make it through all of my homework somehow, but as they say, there’s a first time for everything and I feel like I’ve really tempted fate for the day when I crash and burn….

Going to bed now, but by God if I don’t get worried enough to bust out of this la-la land and really get shit done tomorrow (and the rest of the week)…

Okay, but see, if I’m not miserably worried I don’t get anything important done.

fkjlskjflk This weekend is gonna suck.

My entire life these days can be described as follows:

Homework
Social network-based avoidance of homework
My stomach is growling but I can’t think of anything I want to eat
Gotta watch my tv shows
I love going to bed—-why is it time to get out of bed?
Work
Hygiene (dishes, shower, emptying trash, etc, also groceries)

That’s it, that’s the whole thing. Work-work, school-work, life-work. With a little tv and a lot of avoidance.

One of those times where I have a bunch to do but I feel totally carefree, like my brain is telling me that this is the least busy I’ve been all semester when that is totes not true. (I’ve felt all week like I wasn’t worried enough about stuff but today is especially bad.)

But on the bright side, our paper got moved from Friday to Sunday. Which I would have known yesterday if I had checked my e-mail and then I would have actually let myself start working on my other classes since I was in the mood to for once. But when I thought this was due 2 days earlier than everything else instead of just a few hours earlier, I didn’t want to get into things I would have time for later.

So. I wrote a paragraph so far, haha. But yeah. Hopefully I’ll get a decent amount of stuff done today, whatever it is.

I pretty much like living alone and this weekend everyone was kind of annoying, but it’s still always sad when your parents leave you at school… I’m not actually crying though, so that’s good.

So. I went home this weekend and we were stuck in traffic for 3 hours on the way back and I missed Bones & Gracepoint (gonna try to watch them now). So I didn’t really do anything Thursday night. Friday I did homework and we had taco soup for supper and The Hunger Games was on tv. Saturday morning we went to IHOP with Boo & Granny but that was just a mess for various reasons. Then we went to Walmart because my parents think there’s gonna be a snowpocalypse so they got me a battery-powered lantern and a couple other things, and we brought my winter coats and a sleeping bag from home. Then we got Ghostbusters doughnuts from Krispy Kreme! That was exciting. Then we had Chinese for supper and I did more homework.

This morning we left home at 7:30 and stopped at the Biltmore McDonald’s for breakfast and came back up here. We unloaded the car and then went to eat at Chili’s. My food was good but the chips & salsa were disappointing today and I am still so full. Bad idea to eat the whole thing. But then we came back and put my curtain rods up for real with the brackets and screws, and daddy got this new weather strip thing for my front door so hopefully no more bugs can get in through there! Daddy also did extra pest spray.

So. My apartment is hopefully now bug-proof and crash-proof. I have taco soup and Chinese food and doughnuts and blueberry muffins. Mommy got me a Hello Kitty Halloween hanging decoration so I put that up and I have the window clings that I bought that I have to put up. I didn’t get my decorations from home but I didn’t know where I’d store or display them, so. But my other Halloween signs would look good flanking HK…

But now life is weird sitting here. Being left alone and the weekend’s over and the days are still pretty long so it’s still bright outside even though it’s 5:30. I need to go ahead and watch my shows from Thursday but I have so much work to do (reading, posts, and 10 pg paper for Thursday, reading and posts due Sunday). And I still have that vague about-to-cry feeling but I feel pretty close to normal sitting here. it’s nice to know though that even as disgusting as this place is, it feels like home. It’s a lot less impersonal/clinical than my dorm rooms were (even though that meant they were cleaner and newer). But, I was here for almost 7 straight weeks, so.

I dunno. I just gotta get settled in, pretend things are normal. Go through facebook, decide if I’m gonna shower or not, watch my shows, maybe do some homework if there’s still time.
I guess I’m glad I have work tomorrow, help me get back in the swing of things.

Yeah, I gotta quit writing this and figure out something else to do. ttfn

buffyfan5:

I really want to drown my sorrows in food as per usual but
1. I can’t think of a single thing I want, I got up to make dinner a bit a go and realized there wasn’t a single fucking thing I wanted.
2. Even if I wanted good sweets I’d have to go out to find some
3. Pretty sure I’m getting new stretch marks on my arms which I’m pretty sure means I probably weigh about 200 pounds now and I need to go die.

1. Wait, we can actually reblog ourselves now???

2. So I went to weigh since I’m home for the weekend and have scales, and I’m extremely confused because these are definitely new stretch marks on my arms and I don’t feel any smaller, I don’t look any better in my clothes, but I’ve lost like 8 pounds???? I used two different scales, so. Super duper confused, but honestly just being back in the 180s is exciting. That’s pathetic, but it’s exciting. I hope it continues, though. Sad thing is I honestly don’t have time to exercise even if I wanted to. But anyway, now I apparently weigh what I did at the start of 11th grade. Not so bad for 6 years later, though the 155ish when I started college would certainly be preferable. (I only gained 6 pounds freshman year but all through undergrad it was like 35-40, womp.)

I would pay money for fall break….

PSA: There is no fall break at UK. I did not know school without fall break was possible (other than year-round schools), but there you have it. I feel this is a bit cruel, especially without warning and especially for first-semester grad students and especially for first-semester grad students with their first-ever job.

I’m not sure if a sensory deprivation room would help me get my work done faster or just be the final straw in the crazy-making since I tend to go stir-crazy just without background noise.

Things are just going to get busier from here, too.

Oh and we ran in to this ridiculously long traffic jam on the way home yesterday when all they were doing was paving like 50 miles away so I dunno wtf that was about but it meant I got home 3 hours later than planned. And missed Bones & Gracepoint. I knew I shouldn’t have come home this weekend.

And I realized that this is the only weekend I’ll have to write my paper for 601 because for whatever fucking reason that class runs on a Friday-Thursday week so the paper is due on Thursday. And I haven’t fucking started it and I haven’t read our 6 articles for 600 this week or done posts for 600 or done posts or the assignment or the quiz for 636 or obviously done any reading for next week… This isn’t going to work out, I really think I will get to a point when I can not finish things.

And fall break would be a great chance to catch up. I don’t even want a real break, I just want time to catch up.

I hate this whole situation and I hate that I don’t know what to do about it.

Now that I’ve pissed away the whole fucking afternoon being miserable, I still have just as much shit to do as before and feel even worse about it… Wonder if I can hold myself to not going to bed until I get a bunch done.

I really want to drown my sorrows in food as per usual but
1. I can’t think of a single thing I want, I got up to make dinner a bit a go and realized there wasn’t a single fucking thing I wanted.
2. Even if I wanted good sweets I’d have to go out to find some
3. Pretty sure I’m getting new stretch marks on my arms which I’m pretty sure means I probably weigh about 200 pounds now and I need to go die.

So. This is all about 601. There were issues with the lecture video last week so our discussion-week was shifted. That means this week was shortened to catch up. So really Sun-Thurs this week.
Well, I didn’t get any of my reading for this week done yet because of that damn paper for 600. So yesterday I read 1/3 articles for this week. it was 12 pages and indescribably boring and I didn’t really get anything out of it. It took forever and I have no idea what half of it even said. So I get ready to start the next one, and it’s 34 fucking pages. And the third one is 36. So it was already like 10 or 10:30 at this point and I was like fuck that.
Well I’m about to read them today but dear god I just can’t, so I go to look at what the discussion topic is this week, and we have to talk about what we’re going to use as the example of our own information seeking in our papers. Which are due the 17th. So I’m like, do you really expect me to know my fucking paper topic already and I go to look at the assignment to see what it is and try to come up with a topic, well the paper has to be 3,000 fucking words (like 10 pages). So once again I’m all ‘fuck this shit’ and I go to see the lecture video for this week and maybe I won’t have to read 70 more pages of articles. And the video is a damn hour.
Reading stuff for school if things are going well, it takes me about 3 minutes per page. So 82 pages of articles this week total is over 4 hours on a good day, plus the lecture is 5. Then I have to pick a topic and make posts. 6 hours for this one fucking class. And now I’m really worried about the stupid paper. Plus everything for my other two classes.

Is this normal/reasonable grad school shit? How many classes do people with a real job take? Do adults just like have some magical ability to actually get shit done without crying or wanting to die or wishing your eyeballs would actually fall out like they feel they’re going to? I don’t know if I can do this. i was just barely getting stuff done before I started having to write papers and they do not stop for the rest of the semester.
And now I’m in a fucking state and I couldn’t get anything done right now If I wanted to, I cant’ even see what i’m typing because of the tears in my eyes.

My job is the only thing I like and the only time I see actual human beings so I really don’t want to quit but I can’t take fewer classes and I just can’t fucking get it together….

If everything wasn’t so goddamn boring and irrelevant, that would probably help. None of this is what I expected and I don’t feel like it’s necessary or relevant and I’m not enjoying it. Maybe I’ll just try to work at Barnes & Noble forever after all.

I dunno. I just wanna lay down on the couch and cover my face with this blanket and never do anything again.

So fucking done with this shit. It’s been like a month and a half and I’m so fucking done.

I don’t even want to go home this weekend anymore because I don’t see how I’m going to finish anything. Much less if I try to do something so preposterous as not homework, if I try to like enjoy life for a fucking day or two. Why is that so much to ask. Why can I never ever have that. It’s always just school.

osjecam:

sorry i’m late, professor. i’m disenchanted with the human experience and waking up every morning thrusts me into an instant existential crisis