buffyfan_5

Last night at home. Will be amazed if everything fits in the vehicles.
Finally a little excited to try to make the apartment pretty. If it really can be, you know.
Really hope they fixed everything.
Still don’t feel like classes are a thing that’s going to be starting.
Finally got one relevant e-mail—why are professors always surprised that people want to actually buy their books like, you know before the class starts?
Lots of required microsoft office training left to do
Hardly been able to read, hope I actually have a chance to finish Deathly Hallows and my re-read.
Basically back and forth between feeling pretty blank and thinking that with all the problems this might all just be an awful case of “it seemed like a good idea at the time”
This is the only way I can see though to get anywhere better than here, to feel like I didn’t waste my potential. At least it’s just two years. Maybe I’ll end up doing summer classes and get it over with sooner.
Though I’m really not keen to move again. Except I’m less keen to stay in that apartment with no bathroom counters and basically-no kitchen counters.
Ugh
I just hope I don’t hate it. At this point I don’t even expect to like it.
I hate how though it’s become not about LIS at all for weeks and weeks though, like the reason I’m doing all this has been MIA since registration, however long ago that was.
I was about to say something else but this freaking bug keeps flying at my face.
Oh, I remember. I’m at that place again where I don’t see what the hell the point of adulthood is. Like, all the milestones have passed and now you just have to do the same boring stuff over and over again forever…. I know it doesn’t have to be like that, but how many people actually get anything else?
My soul is tired and my body is heavy but I don’t think I’ll be able to go to sleep any time soon… Will try to read.

People keep asking me if I’m excited (to start grad school or move or whatever) and it’s tiring because I’m just like, No….. haven’t been in the least, for a while now, thanks.

I think if they fix everything I should be able to like at least half of my apartment. Nothing much to be done though about having maybe 2 square feet of counter space in the kitchen and absolutely no storage in the bathroom apart from a miniscule medicine cabinet (2 shelves in it about 2 inches deep…)

And I put in 5 job applications on campus (though not getting work-study cut out 2/3 of my options) and I’ve done some outside scholarship applications since I got nothing but loan offers from the school and I’ve got some more listed to apply for.

And apart from one e-mail from one professor about webcams, I’ve gotten no information whatsoever about classes since I registered a long time ago, so there’s nothing really to be excited about there.

And I still have to do all of that ridiculous microsoft office training this week because the 2 times I started to look at it since it went kerflooey the first time, my e-mail has decided to go kerflooey as well. (How on earth does one actually spell kerflooey?)

And we’ve got piles on piles on piles of stuff right when you come in the front door because my car’s still/again gone so we can’t pack it and mom’s too paranoid to put anything in a vehicle that’ll be going anywhere. But I’m not finished getting stuff out or going through stuff from Roanoke but there’s no space to do it…

Aaaaaand I’m moving in 3 aldkfajfk days, good lord, so I don’t know how I’ll get things sorted and I’m not even going to try to switch over to my new laptop, I’ll just take them both with me and do it later.

Not to mention that although I’ve been ready (mentally) to be not living with my parents for over a year now, I’m certainly not keen to leave my cat. And I won’t have ready-made friendlies like I did starting at Roanoke (orientation group, roommate, hallmates), so it will be rather a stroke of luck and/or uncharacteristic outgoingness if I even see anyone who knows my name come my birthday. Or anyone at all, for that matter, doing online classes and not having a job yet. Lord, what if I end up having an interview or something on my birthday, the way my luck’s been going.

But anyway. We did have a (rather anticlimactic) surprise early birthday thing at Granny’s last night, but my birthday had barely started edging into my mind and Chili’s was a bit disappointing for the first time ever and mom’s klutzy self fell when we got to Granny’s (she was fine) and so it really didn’t feel like any kind of celebration, much less my birthday. But Granny made me a pig pickin’ cake and got me a Hello Kitty balloon, and I got the Hello Kitty library block set I wanted! So I guess I can save that to put together on my birthday.


So no, I’m not excited in the least and I really don’t see why I should be excited. I do have an abstract sense of gratefulness for being able to do all this, means and opportunity and whatnot, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been severely disappointed and frustrated.

I wonder though if I’ll have my usual back-to-school dream of not being able to remember where my classes are and not being able to find my schedule and being late, seeing as I’m doing asynchronous online classes….

Today I feel like crawling out of my skin and angry and like crying.

Partially I suppose because I don’t feel like doing anything that needs to be done. Like
Sending various e-mails to UK people because they don’t have their shit together. For anything. Been torn all summer between regretting my choice and wondering if this is what the whole adult world is like (read: painfully inept, inefficient, and disorganized).
Going to the dentist to have my filling fixed because the tooth is too long now and my retainers don’t fit right (3 visits in 3 weeks, wooo). They’d better not have to numb me.
Leaving the house on one of my days off from volunteering at the library
Doing the “required office suite training” for UK that I tried to start last week, but it starts with 10 minutes about how to open a blank Word document or a Word template—if you can’t do that how did you even do the application for grad school???—and when I tried to skip to the test part the whole thing froze up for the third time.

Ugggggggggggggh. I really don’t think I have the patience for adulthood. Why the hell does anyone ever do this? Imma end up a hippie or dead unless I gradually succumb to the adulthood zombie life. Is it different outside America? Do people like, enjoy life and do things other than ride the “school school school, work work work, if you actually make money you’re to busy and numb to enjoy it” pipeline?

I don’t even have the mental energy for tumblr anymore, man, like how the hell am I supposed to do adult life day after day? Why would I even want to? There’s not even anything to make it worth it. Maybe it’s temporary, but I’m done seeing the future as exciting. Lately it seems like a long long line of joyless chores.

Feeling a giant need to ~accomplish~ something lately.

No idea why or what or how.

Mostly I think I just want to pad my resume to make myself feel better about life because all I’ve ever put effort into is my academic record and organizing useless shit on the internet, and I’m certainly never getting any kind of recognition for the latter.

Also possibly because everyone else is running around adulting with their jobs and engagements and marriages and whatnot. I know grad school is a big deal and fairly necessary for my field, but now I’m just feeling like “Oh, yeah, I’m going to school… again….”

But yeah. I want like a certificate or something.

I am grade 12 student who has just recently graduated. You might call me accomplished, and in a way, I am, but not in the way you’d think. 12 years of pouring over text books and being lined up to be judged in front of my peers has not made me any more intelligent. I can tell you the first 45 digits of Pi and I can explain to you the difference between an acid and a base, I can recite the Pythagorean Theorem in my sleep, I will recite lines out of a textbook like they are a religion. But I cannot tell you the value of security, or of kindness. The distinct contrast between personal health and personal gain. I can tell you in grade 10 four of my classmates attempted to take their own lives before finals. I can tell you our counsellors office is always booked. I can tell you how when I didn’t understand something in AP Chemistry my teacher asked me to leave if I could not participate in his class. I merely asked him to explain a question. Instead of doing his job and teaching, he told me to leave. Told me I was not good enough to be there. Mistakes are viewed as failure in these hallways. A wrong answer is a sin you must atone to, not a human error, but a flaw so grand it defines your entire life course. There is no “average” here. We all must exceed expectations. Do your parents know that a grade that is considered average is a “C”? When I got a C in fourth grade my parents grounded me for a month. They said I was lazy and stupid and incompetent and that I’d better smarten up and stop fooling around. I never fooled around. I am driven by a deep need to impress others. I never fool around. I worked and worked and worked, with a deep hollow of anxiety in my chest. I have never been good at History, but I worked and worked and I attained at best a low B. It was not good enough. It is not said but we are expected to put our education before our personal health. It is not asked of us, but it is what we must do to achieve what we are asked to achieve. Our teachers will tell you, “Oh, I only give them one hour of homework each night.” Which is essentially true, each of my five teachers only gives me one to two hours of homework each night. Hmm, that adds up to 5-10 hours of homework, and overdue classwork, and projects. Say goodbye to sleep, say goodbye to feeling calm. I’ve developed a deep rooted anxiety disorder due to school and perfectionistic tendencies. Even when you get 100 percent on an assignment they still criticise you, it is never good enough. One slip, and you are in deep deep trouble. I can tell you that 90 percent of us try our hardest, and our teachers and parents stand in the sidelines, screaming, “You can do better than that!”
Why I say our education system is flawed (via perfect-delusions)
tatteredsanity:


submitted by queen-of-sweets


I’m afraid this is what will happen to me if/when I become a real adult.
For some reason I put this in my drafts 2 years ago. We’ll see how it goes in less than two months.

tatteredsanity:

submitted by queen-of-sweets

I’m afraid this is what will happen to me if/when I become a real adult.

For some reason I put this in my drafts 2 years ago. We’ll see how it goes in less than two months.

Reasons I Might Never Get Married

1. If I can hear you chewing, I immediately want to murder you.

2. If you slurp your coffee (or anything else), I immediately want to murder you.

3. I don’t even want to be aware of the existence of another human being for approximately 1-2 hours after waking up

4. No snoring allowed

5. Other reasons undoubtedly pending.

6. Almost 22 and never even been asked on a date.

Would I like to fall in love and get married? Yes. Do I find it likely that I will be able to tolerate living with another person (in a house; I did survive dorms fairly well) and/or find one willing to live with me (not to mention all the relationship & insecurities mumbo jumbo I’m rather glad I’ve not had to deal with)? Not at all.

urbancatfitters:

i wonder how people describe me when they’re talking about me to someone who’s never met me

While we were on the choir trip I heard this girl telling someone else about the time we played Quelf in small group and were naming things that come in pairs (or it might have been specifically body parts in pairs). One of the things I said was “boobies”. And so I heard her say “the first time” … “Tayler” …. “and she goes ‘titties’” and this was WEEKS AGO and I’m STILL dying to ask what they were actually talking about……

I’m never ever gonna finish a book again. Halfway through this one normal sized book and it’s been 9 days. Wtf. I should have read this twice in that amount of time. laskfjsdlfksdlfkasj fuck college and only having enough free time for facebook/pinterest breaks and all school reading being really really boring (like read one sentence 3 times boring) and so my brain cannot stay focused for leisure reading anymore. Ugggggggh

Got an e-mail to my pre-admission address (read: Roanoke email address) that football season tickets are going on sale, but have received no information at that email, my UK email, or my UK account about financial aid. Thanks for the priorities.

The sad fact of the matter is that when I looked at ~60 websites for LIS programs last summer, UK had one of the best ones and yet I still can’t find anything that says when to expect financial aid notification or who to contact about it (or where to send my advising sheet, and syllabi aren’t available until the day classes start….). Oy vey. I’m starting to fear that the whole world actually operates through systems just this shitty or shittier and I’m going to go through life being increasingly pissed off and baffled at the sheer inefficiency of everything that ever has to be done.

(also I still haven’t decided on a tag for grad school stuff)

I hardly ever used to get bored, but now I feel like if I go for like two seconds unoccupied then I get bored. I dunno if it’s just not having homework to worry about 24/7 anymore and my brain not knowing how to handle it, or still a crash from always doing stuff with people in Ireland or what. But I don’t like it. Especially today, it’s been a really antsy, almost problematic/anxious kind of feeling except just physically, like I’m not unhappy or anything. And I think I’m starting to understand what people mean when they talk about having restless legs, only it’s like my whole body. I don’t like it. Also there’s no way I could go to sleep anytime soon even though my eyes are tired. Weird shit, man.

Dad and my kitty are home and I’m sure there’s a ton of things I could be doing, but I am bored and lonely and I wish I had my own laptop here. Tomorrow, at least for one of them.

I’m home from Ireland (have been for about 6 hours) and besides naps on the plane and home on the couch, I’ve been up for 21 hours. So I’m laying in bed with PotC: At World’s End on tv and thinking/trying not to think about life and people and things. I’m currently doing much better than I expected, but that could be because I’m too tired to process things, and then there is that slight nagging feeling around the edges of my brain like you get when you’re trying to forget something. Ah well. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. And the next day, and the next…

I’ll try to get you guys up to speed this week and really get back on here, but until Saturday my laptop is still in my dorm room. Apps are better than nothing, but I still think they suck versus full sites.

Today was pretty good. Mom and dad came over in the morning and we started/continued packing. We packed up a lot of stuff to take home and then made lists and started packing for Ireland and went to buy a few more things I needed. As far as I know, everything is together. Except for what I’m using tonight/tomorrow, my suitcase is packed and I just need to get my carry-on and purse situated. I’m so nervous though. Not leaving from home, not having mom and dad to help me check everything right before we go, no one to say goodbye to (well maybe that bit is better).

Even though my RA sucks at his job and we don’t talk, he’s still here and so is the girl who always screws everything up in the bathroom. So even though I don’t have friends here still, the hall isn’t totally empty, which is good. Elizabeth left this morning and wrote me a lovely note/card, but we managed not to cry. I think having mom and dad here and being busy was good. And that I didn’t have to do a lot of goodbyes and important stuff today like yesterday. I’m actually doing a lot better now than I thought I would be.

I’m not sure how the morning is going to go. When we came back from dinner my ID card wouldn’t get me into the building so we called campo and they said there was some issue going on (apparently it’s not just that they cut off graduate’s cards?) and someone would be working on it. So that makes me super-duper nervous about if I happen to forget something in my room in the morning and need to come back. Also they’re doing a small/cold breakfast in the morning that I was kind of planning to go to but if my card isn’t fixed then I don’t want to leave the building until I’m ready to go and have everything together. I kept a few things in here to eat, but I realized although I have a yogurt and a fruit cup in the fridge, I packed all my dishes. I found a plastic fork in the kitchen so we’ll see how that goes, haha. So hopefully I can get everything figured out pretty easily in the morning, and then Kathleen said her family could drive me around campus to where we’re meeting so I don’t have to carry my suitcase up 3 floors’ worth of stairs. I just hope they don’t get here too early or don’t mind waiting.

I hope I can go to sleep fairly early tonight and actually sleep well. The last two nights were a mess. I’m planning to get up at 8:30 so bed at midnight-ish should be good. I imagine at some point between the bus ride and the flights, naps should be acceptable. Things feel fairly normal right now, especially considering, so once I feel decent about my packing I guess I can go to bed. I kept a coloring book and my movies here just in case but I dunno. I might go to bed early. I probably should. But now that I’m thinking about it I’m starting to feel a little weird, so I dunno. I am sleepy/tired though. It’s my last night ever sleeping in a dorm, so that’s interesting. Not having too many feelings about it atm but we’ll see. Happy to have my last dorm shower over with though.

I’m just rambling now but I feel like there’s something I’m forgetting to talk about… Oh well! Night night for now. Wish us safe travels and good concerts, and lots of fun with minimal frustration/problems!

senoritapizza:

SCHOOL IS STRESSING ME OUT MY WEIGHT IS STRESSING ME OUT ANXIETY IS STRESSING ME OUT MY FUCKING STRESS IS STRESSING ME OUT