How the hell am I supposed to study for tests when all I can think about is how fat I’m getting? It’s hard to sit at a desk and study when your pants are getting too tight. I only ever lose weight when I’m too miserable to eat (it takes a lot because when I’m just kind of upset I eat more). I don’t want to hate everything again. I want to be happy, but when I’m happy I don’t think about what I’m eating until after I eat it. But I really think my clothes aren’t going to fit soon. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. No, I didn’t gain the freshman 15 (it was just 6 pounds that year), but I’m making the “undergrad 30” a thing. I guess when all you look forward to most days is food or television, what are you going to do besides get fat?
And anyone who tells me to work out is getting shot in the face. You don’t get it if you think it’s that simple. Physically or mentally.
Psychologists call the productivity-stifling kind of perfectionism evaluative concern perfectionism: it has self-consciousness at its center, marked by a profound concern for how others see you. As psych writer Alex Fradera reports, this leads to high levels of hassle and distress in people’s lives—and the use of avoidance as a way of dealing with problems. Because the evaluative perfectionist is so concerned with making mistakes in someone else’s eyes, they put off any tasks that might make those mistakes possible.
Hahahahaha, did you mean: my life ?
Also can I just tell you guys I’m having one of those I-just-finished-watching-a-movie / it’s-one-in-the-morning-and-that’s-a-time-for-feelings / fuck-it’s-valentine’s-day-again / why-do-actors-have-to-die cries all rolled into one. It’s not wracking sobs though, thankfully, just sort of a slow, tired cry. But yeah.
Just watched Perks for the first time. I read the book years ago, I think in 10th grade, and didn’t think much of it. I just didn’t understand all the hipster hype. (I suppose not being part of the party-rock-Rocky Horror culture didn’t help, especially at that age.) I think near the end of the movie though, maybe I got it a little. I still don’t feel like I really get it. But I can see now that people would appreciate it. It makes me really glad though to be done with high school, to not feel all those high school feelings anymore (in general and specifically me in high school).
And it makes me feel weird to see people graduating and splitting off into their own directions when my own (college) graduation is a mere 78 days away. I’m ready to move on from this stage and I’m ready for new things, but I am not at all ready, I don’t think I even comprehend yet, leaving everyone. And you think things will stay the same enough, but they don’t. High school shows you that. You lose the vast majority of things you had in common. Maybe college will be a little bit different in that it’s less about surviving together than high school is and more about living and growing together. Sometimes thinking of starting all over again is exciting, but other times, like now, it just makes me tired. And sad. It doesn’t feel quite real yet that all of this will be over soon.
I didn’t know quite where this post was going when I started it and I still don’t think I’ve gotten to whatever it is I’m actually feeling. But this is enough for now, I suppose. It is 1:30 in the morning.
It’s good to write something again though. I’m sorry I can’t get caught up here. But I haven’t forgotten you guys.
My study guide for my test tomorrow is 4.5 pages long so far and it’s not finished yet (plus the question of do I actually know anything I’m putting on it) and I’m tired and sleepy and I wanna cry and this is my least favorite class and my first test of the semester and I just wanna go to bed but there won’t be time in the morning and grades and whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
For once I’m actually not dreading coming back to school. But I was fine staying at home too. For a while at least, it seems I’m content.
I’m fairly optimistic about this semester, that my classes and workload will be a lot easier than last semester and maybe I’ll actually be able to take/make time to enjoy my last semester of undergrad. It’s so weird. My last semester. Before it’s always seemed like it would never end, in both good and bad ways. But now it’s like it’s already ending and it’s so weird. That I won’t be anywhere near these friends that I’ve lived with/near for four years. That I won’t be on this campus or making this same trip up and down the interstates. (That they’re gonna start doing more construction and tear down a campus landmark and the next time I’m here it won’t even be my campus any more.) In a way I feel like I’ve missed out on so many things that it will be impossible to fill in, but I also can’t think of a single specific thing I need/want to do…
I dunno. I just hope it can be a lot of fun and reflection and a whole lot less work and worry than usual.
Figured after all the other posts I owe you guys the end of the story (for this year):
My doctor did actually ask me about doing the pelvic exam this year and didn’t just insist like I was expecting, and I said “I figured I didn’t have a choice since we’ve argued about it the last 3 years”. She said the guidelines do say to start at 21 regardless of sexual activity, but that if I got too uncomfortable/had pain we would stop. I thought I was going to cry just while I was undressing, but we got started.
Well, all my attempts at mental preparation still did nothing for bodily preparation. It was physically uncomfortable from the start (you guys have to keep in mind that there hasn’t even been so much as a junior-sized tampon in there in like at least six years) and when it actually hurt instead of just being uncomfortable, I said “Ow” and she stopped. So I did not get a pap smear and I don’t think she even got the speculum far enough to get a decent look. She said we’d still try the two-finger exam and it wasn’t as bad. But this was like 5 or 6 hours ago and things still feel weird/different and kind of pinch-y down there. I did end up crying some in the car.
But, I haven’t had any spotting like a lot of posts in the tag talked about, so that’s good.
So. That’s my story. :/
I’M WATCHING HOUSE AND A LADY IN THE CLINIC IS GETTING A PELVIC EXAM!!
It’s like a sign! I’m not sure a sign of what, but it’s a signnnnnnnn.
(At this point I kind of feel bad that I’m posting about this so much, but I’m just trying to deal.)
I’ve come to the conclusion that
"Cervical cancer? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!"
is going to be how I attempt to make myself okay with a lifetime of pap smears and pelvic exams.
In the pap smear tag trying to mentally prepare myself for undoubtedly being forced to have all that done when I go for my physical Friday after nervously but firmly refusing for the last 2 or 3 years (after I was completely caught off-guard and pressured into my first one which I’m pretty sure wasn’t necessary).
Kind of considering just stopping birth control and never going to the doctor again even though I freely tell people that bc is my favorite thing ever because who doesn’t love going from really heavy 9-day periods on a wacky non-schedule that could be every two weeks or so to really light 3-day periods on schedule?? Okay, so I’m not stopping birth control (can we not fucking rename it though? still a virgin, no birth concerns atm) and I do have to do this. Hence seeking psych support.
Observations from browsing the tag:
1. I am in August 2011. Totes getting major creeper status from whoever’s posts I’m liking.
2. Get your fucking song out of here, wtf kind of title is that and I’m on a mission here, not browsing for tunes.
3. Reminder to trans men that you still need those parts checked if they’re still there. I knowwwww it sucks and I know it’s even worse for you, but bottom line regardless of how fucking awkward/awful it is, …
4. no one wants cervical cancer or anything like that (that’s the main take-home message I’m getting. You know, other than it fucking sucks)
Also if you don’t wanna read this I don’t give a fuck because I’m 99% sure you’re 100 times more comfortable reading it than most people actually having it done.
please dont ever be offended if i dont respond to your text message or inbox ask or anything because im a terrible responder i try my best im sorry