Today I feel like crawling out of my skin and angry and like crying.
Partially I suppose because I don’t feel like doing anything that needs to be done. Like
Sending various e-mails to UK people because they don’t have their shit together. For anything. Been torn all summer between regretting my choice and wondering if this is what the whole adult world is like (read: painfully inept, inefficient, and disorganized).
Going to the dentist to have my filling fixed because the tooth is too long now and my retainers don’t fit right (3 visits in 3 weeks, wooo). They’d better not have to numb me.
Leaving the house on one of my days off from volunteering at the library
Doing the “required office suite training” for UK that I tried to start last week, but it starts with 10 minutes about how to open a blank Word document or a Word template—if you can’t do that how did you even do the application for grad school???—and when I tried to skip to the test part the whole thing froze up for the third time.
Ugggggggggggggh. I really don’t think I have the patience for adulthood. Why the hell does anyone ever do this? Imma end up a hippie or dead unless I gradually succumb to the adulthood zombie life. Is it different outside America? Do people like, enjoy life and do things other than ride the “school school school, work work work, if you actually make money you’re to busy and numb to enjoy it” pipeline?
I don’t even have the mental energy for tumblr anymore, man, like how the hell am I supposed to do adult life day after day? Why would I even want to? There’s not even anything to make it worth it. Maybe it’s temporary, but I’m done seeing the future as exciting. Lately it seems like a long long line of joyless chores.
Feeling a giant need to ~accomplish~ something lately.
No idea why or what or how.
Mostly I think I just want to pad my resume to make myself feel better about life because all I’ve ever put effort into is my academic record and organizing useless shit on the internet, and I’m certainly never getting any kind of recognition for the latter.
Also possibly because everyone else is running around adulting with their jobs and engagements and marriages and whatnot. I know grad school is a big deal and fairly necessary for my field, but now I’m just feeling like “Oh, yeah, I’m going to school… again….”
But yeah. I want like a certificate or something.
I am grade 12 student who has just recently graduated. You might call me accomplished, and in a way, I am, but not in the way you’d think. 12 years of pouring over text books and being lined up to be judged in front of my peers has not made me any more intelligent. I can tell you the first 45 digits of Pi and I can explain to you the difference between an acid and a base, I can recite the Pythagorean Theorem in my sleep, I will recite lines out of a textbook like they are a religion. But I cannot tell you the value of security, or of kindness. The distinct contrast between personal health and personal gain. I can tell you in grade 10 four of my classmates attempted to take their own lives before finals. I can tell you our counsellors office is always booked. I can tell you how when I didn’t understand something in AP Chemistry my teacher asked me to leave if I could not participate in his class. I merely asked him to explain a question. Instead of doing his job and teaching, he told me to leave. Told me I was not good enough to be there. Mistakes are viewed as failure in these hallways. A wrong answer is a sin you must atone to, not a human error, but a flaw so grand it defines your entire life course. There is no “average” here. We all must exceed expectations. Do your parents know that a grade that is considered average is a “C”? When I got a C in fourth grade my parents grounded me for a month. They said I was lazy and stupid and incompetent and that I’d better smarten up and stop fooling around. I never fooled around. I am driven by a deep need to impress others. I never fool around. I worked and worked and worked, with a deep hollow of anxiety in my chest. I have never been good at History, but I worked and worked and I attained at best a low B. It was not good enough. It is not said but we are expected to put our education before our personal health. It is not asked of us, but it is what we must do to achieve what we are asked to achieve. Our teachers will tell you, “Oh, I only give them one hour of homework each night.” Which is essentially true, each of my five teachers only gives me one to two hours of homework each night. Hmm, that adds up to 5-10 hours of homework, and overdue classwork, and projects. Say goodbye to sleep, say goodbye to feeling calm. I’ve developed a deep rooted anxiety disorder due to school and perfectionistic tendencies. Even when you get 100 percent on an assignment they still criticise you, it is never good enough. One slip, and you are in deep deep trouble. I can tell you that 90 percent of us try our hardest, and our teachers and parents stand in the sidelines, screaming, “You can do better than that!”
I’m afraid this is what will happen to me if/when I become a real adult.
For some reason I put this in my drafts 2 years ago. We’ll see how it goes in less than two months.
Reasons I Might Never Get Married
1. If I can hear you chewing, I immediately want to murder you.
2. If you slurp your coffee (or anything else), I immediately want to murder you.
3. I don’t even want to be aware of the existence of another human being for approximately 1-2 hours after waking up
4. No snoring allowed
5. Other reasons undoubtedly pending.
6. Almost 22 and never even been asked on a date.
Would I like to fall in love and get married? Yes. Do I find it likely that I will be able to tolerate living with another person (in a house; I did survive dorms fairly well) and/or find one willing to live with me (not to mention all the relationship & insecurities mumbo jumbo I’m rather glad I’ve not had to deal with)? Not at all.
i wonder how people describe me when they’re talking about me to someone who’s never met me
While we were on the choir trip I heard this girl telling someone else about the time we played Quelf in small group and were naming things that come in pairs (or it might have been specifically body parts in pairs). One of the things I said was “boobies”. And so I heard her say “the first time” … “Tayler” …. “and she goes ‘titties’” and this was WEEKS AGO and I’m STILL dying to ask what they were actually talking about……
I’m never ever gonna finish a book again. Halfway through this one normal sized book and it’s been 9 days. Wtf. I should have read this twice in that amount of time. laskfjsdlfksdlfkasj fuck college and only having enough free time for facebook/pinterest breaks and all school reading being really really boring (like read one sentence 3 times boring) and so my brain cannot stay focused for leisure reading anymore. Ugggggggh
Got an e-mail to my pre-admission address (read: Roanoke email address) that football season tickets are going on sale, but have received no information at that email, my UK email, or my UK account about financial aid. Thanks for the priorities.
The sad fact of the matter is that when I looked at ~60 websites for LIS programs last summer, UK had one of the best ones and yet I still can’t find anything that says when to expect financial aid notification or who to contact about it (or where to send my advising sheet, and syllabi aren’t available until the day classes start….). Oy vey. I’m starting to fear that the whole world actually operates through systems just this shitty or shittier and I’m going to go through life being increasingly pissed off and baffled at the sheer inefficiency of everything that ever has to be done.
(also I still haven’t decided on a tag for grad school stuff)
I hardly ever used to get bored, but now I feel like if I go for like two seconds unoccupied then I get bored. I dunno if it’s just not having homework to worry about 24/7 anymore and my brain not knowing how to handle it, or still a crash from always doing stuff with people in Ireland or what. But I don’t like it. Especially today, it’s been a really antsy, almost problematic/anxious kind of feeling except just physically, like I’m not unhappy or anything. And I think I’m starting to understand what people mean when they talk about having restless legs, only it’s like my whole body. I don’t like it. Also there’s no way I could go to sleep anytime soon even though my eyes are tired. Weird shit, man.
Dad and my kitty are home and I’m sure there’s a ton of things I could be doing, but I am bored and lonely and I wish I had my own laptop here. Tomorrow, at least for one of them.
I’m home from Ireland (have been for about 6 hours) and besides naps on the plane and home on the couch, I’ve been up for 21 hours. So I’m laying in bed with PotC: At World’s End on tv and thinking/trying not to think about life and people and things. I’m currently doing much better than I expected, but that could be because I’m too tired to process things, and then there is that slight nagging feeling around the edges of my brain like you get when you’re trying to forget something. Ah well. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. And the next day, and the next…
I’ll try to get you guys up to speed this week and really get back on here, but until Saturday my laptop is still in my dorm room. Apps are better than nothing, but I still think they suck versus full sites.
Today was pretty good. Mom and dad came over in the morning and we started/continued packing. We packed up a lot of stuff to take home and then made lists and started packing for Ireland and went to buy a few more things I needed. As far as I know, everything is together. Except for what I’m using tonight/tomorrow, my suitcase is packed and I just need to get my carry-on and purse situated. I’m so nervous though. Not leaving from home, not having mom and dad to help me check everything right before we go, no one to say goodbye to (well maybe that bit is better).
Even though my RA sucks at his job and we don’t talk, he’s still here and so is the girl who always screws everything up in the bathroom. So even though I don’t have friends here still, the hall isn’t totally empty, which is good. Elizabeth left this morning and wrote me a lovely note/card, but we managed not to cry. I think having mom and dad here and being busy was good. And that I didn’t have to do a lot of goodbyes and important stuff today like yesterday. I’m actually doing a lot better now than I thought I would be.
I’m not sure how the morning is going to go. When we came back from dinner my ID card wouldn’t get me into the building so we called campo and they said there was some issue going on (apparently it’s not just that they cut off graduate’s cards?) and someone would be working on it. So that makes me super-duper nervous about if I happen to forget something in my room in the morning and need to come back. Also they’re doing a small/cold breakfast in the morning that I was kind of planning to go to but if my card isn’t fixed then I don’t want to leave the building until I’m ready to go and have everything together. I kept a few things in here to eat, but I realized although I have a yogurt and a fruit cup in the fridge, I packed all my dishes. I found a plastic fork in the kitchen so we’ll see how that goes, haha. So hopefully I can get everything figured out pretty easily in the morning, and then Kathleen said her family could drive me around campus to where we’re meeting so I don’t have to carry my suitcase up 3 floors’ worth of stairs. I just hope they don’t get here too early or don’t mind waiting.
I hope I can go to sleep fairly early tonight and actually sleep well. The last two nights were a mess. I’m planning to get up at 8:30 so bed at midnight-ish should be good. I imagine at some point between the bus ride and the flights, naps should be acceptable. Things feel fairly normal right now, especially considering, so once I feel decent about my packing I guess I can go to bed. I kept a coloring book and my movies here just in case but I dunno. I might go to bed early. I probably should. But now that I’m thinking about it I’m starting to feel a little weird, so I dunno. I am sleepy/tired though. It’s my last night ever sleeping in a dorm, so that’s interesting. Not having too many feelings about it atm but we’ll see. Happy to have my last dorm shower over with though.
I’m just rambling now but I feel like there’s something I’m forgetting to talk about… Oh well! Night night for now. Wish us safe travels and good concerts, and lots of fun with minimal frustration/problems!
I’ve been fairly exhausted for the last 3 days and kind of rough for like the last 3 weeks but I cannot go to bed because I cannot stop crying and I cannot deal with my thoughts and emotions right now. Nope nope nope.
Friday morning I got up and got dressed up and went to pick up my cap and gown (yes, we can’t get them until the day before graduation), then went to my last RoCo brunch which was weird because hardly anyone was there. Then I walked down to the church for choir practice and then came back and stopped by the Psych department reception for like 5 minutes to collect my parents and I got to take a picture with my awesome seminar group. My parents had already talked to all my psych professors while I was in choir so we hopped over to Sociology for a little bit.
Then we had the Phi Beta Kappa induction and were supposed to be lining up for Baccalaureate immediately after that, although I don’t know why they wanted us that early because they didn’t alphabetize us and we mostly just sat in almuni gym for like 45 minutes. And then was actual baccalaureate service, and then I put normal clothes on for like 30 minutes while my parents picked up McDonalds and I ate a happy meal in the common room really quickly before changing to go over for the concert. The concert was relatively relaxed and apparently everyone really loved it. I cried and got choked up when we sang the alma mater.
Then I came back and took a shower and finally put on comfy clothes and put aloe on my sunburn and did the headband-curl thing with my hair and watched Hannibal with Elizabeth and Spencer for the last time. Then none of us really wanted to go to bed so I was in Kaitlyn’s room for a while and Elizabeth was coming in and out and we put our pins on our gowns and tried to figure out how the hoods went. Then we went a little crazy and were laughing a lot and trying to sing the alma mater while laughing and crying and we were holding/packing her stuffed animals and pillows. It was good but it was really sad.
I finally was going to bed around midnight but then drunk people were in the common room so I called campo for the first and last time and then went to bed, and about an hour later when I was almost asleep people were talking outside and it woke me up. And then at like 3 the upstairs neighbor woke me up and that was obnoxious. So between nerves and neighbors I didn’t sleep well, but miraculously I was awake all day today.
This morning I got up at 7 and got dressed and Elizabeth and Kaitlyn and Timaria and Kathleen and I put our robes and hats on together and took a few pictures. Then I went out to the quad(s) and saw my family for a bit before going to West to line up. Senior choir members go in first (behind the speakers and flag bearers) so that was interesting and we had great seats and I got to sit with Nik. The speeches were really good this year and I actually didn’t really get bored. I guess it seems a lot shorter when it’s your own graduation. And it was pretty easy to find our place in line when it was time to go up for diplomas. This time when we sang the alma mater I surprisingly didn’t cry. Then it was over and I said sorry/thanks for coming to my (extended) family and took a few quick photos and then went on my mission to find friends for pictures, and I got everyone I was looking for! How amazing is that?!
Then we went to Wendy’s and then to Kaitlyn’s little get together in the Honors lounge, and then a group of us took some more pictures around campus. Then I watched Kaitlyn finish moving out which was weird and sad and then we put all our stuff back on and took some more pictures by Admin and the seal and the kicking post and the sign. Then we packed some stuff in my room and went to dinner at Olive Garden and came back and tried to get stuff sorted out for tomorrow like what to pack and what to put where and what we might need to go buy tomorrow and it’s all still a giant shitstorm, not helped by all the feelings and how totally exhausted I am.
And finally mom and dad like gave up and left to go back to the hotel but I was not puttin’ up with hotel crap or them snoring tonight so I stayed here and then I put up pictures which took a long time and then I was crying and I was going to go to bed but I just couldn’t and now I’m typing this. And now I’m pretty much done typing this.
But most of the campus was already gone and I think a lot of my friends are staying the night here tonight but I probably won’t actually see them tomorrow so everyone is basically gone and Kathleen went home for the night/day so tomorrow night I will literally be all alone on the hall and it’s going to be so so awful. I can hardly handle it now. I know even most of the people I don’t like or don’t talk to are gone and I know Kaitlyn is gone and tomorrow Elizabeth will be gone and you guys know how awful I always am just coming back from breaks being alone before everyone gets here but this time no one is coming back and I am all alone. This choir trip is the worst fucking timing. For alone feelings and graduation feelings and packing and tiredness and everything. I hope to God we get everything sorted tomorrow and I can calm down about that and that I actually will be able to enjoy myself (or at least not ruin it for everyone else). I know I’d hate it if I’d decided not to go but God I think today would have been much easier if I could have finished packing and gone home like everyone else. Not to mention tomorrow. God. I really really need to go to bed. I’ve barely been functioning today, especially this evening, but as long as I’m doing something I can almost pretend that the world is normal and people are here and friends will be back and I’ll be back and half my stuff isn’t off the walls and the rest of my stuff isn’t a shit show and the rest of my immediate future isn’t a shitshow—I can almost pretend there’s no reason to cry. I really really need to go to bed but I really really don’t know how to deal with these emotions and it will only get worse when I turn off the lights and get into bed. I don’t know how I’m going to do this.